Parentally Speaking: Beware of Tunnel Vision
11/11/2008 9:43 PM
Edited from an article on Cal Ripkin Parents and Coaches Website
By Cal Ripken, Jr.
There’s no question that the issue dividing parents and coaches most often in the world of youth sports is the allocation of playing time. Parents, by nature, are concerned first and foremost about their child’s opportunity to play and overall experience, while coaches – depending on the age group and level of play – are either worrying about how to give every kid equal playing time or how to win and still get as many players as possible into a game. This fundamental difference in objectives and priorities often leads to disagreements.
Before the season the coach should have a meeting with all parents of the team.
Parents should question a coach as to his or her philosophies and expectations.
The coach should discuss issues such as the number of expected practices per week; the expectations in terms of practice attendance; the expected length of practices; the number of games to be played; the schedule in general; and the philosophy in terms of playing time, how positions will be determined and winning vs. losing.
The meeting allows for any specific questions that parents might have in regards to the philosophies that are discussed or the status of their child on the team to be addressed (either publicly or privately) before the process gets too far downstream. If everything is discussed out in the open, the probability of parent-coach issues arising during the season is reduced substantially.
Once the season begins, if there has been a preseason meeting or discussion of some sort, it is important for parents to keep in mind that by allowing their child to play on the team they have made a de facto statement that they are on board with the goals, objectives and philosophies that were presented by the coach. This is an important point to remember if additional questions or concerns arise during the season. If a coach states that the goal of the team is to win as many games as possible and that playing time is going to be based strictly on merit, it’s simply not fair for a parent to question why all of the kids are not playing equally after the fact.
Playing Time Issues: There may be a disagreement between a parent and coach as to the ability level of a child and how he or she should be used within the parameters presented by the coach before the season, but there should be no questioning of the overall philosophy once that topic has been addressed and understood. Not only is this not fair to the coach, but also it is certain to create hostility or at least friction between you and the coach and possibly the coach and your child. Certainly you wouldn’t want to do something to hurt your child’s standing within the framework of the team.
As parents we always see the good in our kids, whether it’s in school, on an athletic field or in some other endeavor. We want the best for them and want to see them succeed and excel in all aspects of their lives. Not that we ignore the not-so-good characteristics or behaviors of our children – we all deal with issues such as kids not listening to us, brothers and sisters fighting, honesty and discipline, etc. – but we definitely notice our kids’ positive accomplishments more than we do the accomplishments of other kids. This is natural and doesn’t make us bad parents. But when there is a lack of balance and realism with how we view our children, it can lead to tunnel vision, which can cause turmoil within ourselves as well as friction between us and the other parents as well as the coaching staff.
Parents with tunnel vision really focus on the game only when their kid is involved. They make note of every minute that he or she is on the field, yell constant encouragement and pay close attention to all of the good things that the child does while in the game. Negative results often are ignored or blamed on coaches or other players. While it’s great as a parent to be enthusiastic and supportive, an awareness that no kid is perfect and an ability to provide occasional constructive criticism is important to the child’s overall development as a person and an athlete. Unfortunately, parents with tunnel vision tend to go overboard on the positive side, which ultimately can lead to an extremely skewed vision of where there child stands compared to others on the team. It also can be detrimental to the kid’s ability to accept and implement constructive criticism from others.
These same parents tend to not pay as much attention when their child is not playing. They often root for only the kids who are close friends of their child and generally don’t get a real sense for the overall team dynamic in terms of skill level, playing time allocation and position assignments. Many times this can lead to a feeling that their child is not getting a fair shake when it comes to playing time and isn’t getting an opportunity to play his or her favorite position as much as the other kids.
As was discussed earlier, playing time seems to be the biggest area of contention between parents and coaches, so this type of tunnel vision can lead to a level of concern or frustration on the part of a parent that is completely unwarranted. A lot of factors impact playing time, starting with the coach’s overall philosophy. The number of players on the team, the length of the game, the skill level of the opposing team and the score are just some of the conditions that can impact how much a kid plays.
This isn’t to say that there are not situations in which one kid isn’t receiving the amount of playing time that he or she deserves or isn’t getting to play a particular position as much as he or she should based on the philosophy presented by the coach at the beginning of the year. There are instances of favoritism and unequal treatment scattered throughout youth sports. They occur year in and year out and can lead to some ugly parent-coach situations. If you find yourself confronted with a situation in which you think your child is being treated unfairly, make sure that you consider the following factors before questioning the coach:
Have you analyzed the playing time received by the other players and compared it to the coach’s stated philosophy?
Are there so many kids on the team that the coach can only play every kid so much?
Does your child’s playing time fluctuate on a game-to-game basis? If so, what are the factors that seem to be involved such as the score of the games and the skill level of the opposing team?
Does the coach’s kid play the same amount or less than your child?
If your coach assigns playing time based on merit:
o How does your child’s skill level match up that of his or her teammates?
o Does your child work as hard in games and practices as the other kids?
o Has your child attended every practice or only missed practices because of reasons that fall within the team’s stated framework of being acceptable?
o Is your child producing?
If you spend several games analyzing the big picture and taking these considerations into account and still feel that your child is not being treated fairly, then it is time to ask the coach for a meeting. Don’t spread your feelings among the parents and create a division in the team that might become irreparable. Instead ask the coach to meet with you away from the field or to talk on the phone one day when there is no game or practice and present your concerns in a constructive, professional manner. You may not get the answers that you hope to hear, but at the least you have maintained your dignity, not embarrassed your child and given the coach an opportunity to defend him or herself without hearing your complaints only from a distance or through second-hand sources.
By handling the situation this way you may in fact open the coach’s eyes to some things that he or she was not aware of, which might lead to some positive changes. Or you might come to understand the coach’s reasoning and be able to accept your child’s role on the team. Even if neither of those outcomes is achieved, the coach has to respect you for your approach, which could subliminally cause him or her to treat your child a little differently going forward. And if you just agree to disagree, then at least you haven’t caused unnecessary stress and tension that could diminish the kids’ overall experience. If you still aren’t happy at the end of the season you can begin the process of finding a better fit for your family going forward.
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